Every time I look in the mirror, I'm reminded of how absolutely worthless I am.

Not solely in terms of being physically unattractive, but many other qualities(or lack thereof).

I've no truly marketable skills, aside from cleaning and customer service. I'm too much of a fucking retard to finish college, so I'm trapped in a cycle of hopping from one dead end job to another.

I've no real talent that could count as a marketable skill, either. Mere scribbles and splotches on a digital "canvas" won't make consistent income unless I were either a nepo-baby or somehow got lucky.

I'm boring, not witty or funny in the slightest, and just a general loser. There's just nothing there to develop attraction to. Granted, I'm with someone now, but I'll cut it off and just remain "friends". He deserves better than I.

Hell, even my narcissistic ex deserved better. I used to be angry at the gaslighting, all of the times he'd remind me that I didn't matter much to him, being treated like a mere obligation, and him pretending to care about me to get what he wanted from me. Now I realize he was right for it. What am I, if not a pathetic lout meant to be used? I, myself, am a parasite. Why shouldn't he have turned around and used me?

There are endless possibilities in my life, opportunities I could take, steps I could make to be more successful, and I deserve none of it. I can't take those opportunities, because I know there are people more deserving, more driven, and more in need of those opportunities.

Even if the gates of Heaven were opened for me and I was guaranteed a spot next to God, I'd still turn around and walk into Hell, and I fucking hate myself for it.

I hate that my default is to become a martyr, I hate that I'm so pathetic despite working my hardest to carve a life for myself and do better, I hate that I sacrifice myself at every given moment to keep happy the people that will never care about me, I hate that I give everyone else more than what I have, and I hate that I'm a parasitic worm of a human.

I should have shot myself when I had the chance.